(Artwork: Tess Emily Rodriguez)
She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Hey Erin,
I’m getting mixed signals from my lesbian ex.
So, my girlfriend (she was straight until me) of two years broke up with me.
It actually happened a few months ago, but until last week, we lived together — like roomies. Last week she moved out.
She told me that her feelings are gone and never coming back. Until that day when she moved out, we shared a bed, showered together, gave light kisses, etc.
And now, even after she moved out, we still text and hang out. She even stayed at my place one night — cuddling and stuff.
I can't figure her out. She said she wants to be friends but her actions…
I’ve been in numerous relationships but have never experienced something like this.
I know I want to share my future with her but not as only friends.
Any advice?
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A.
Ah, the murky breakup. I used to be the queen of the murky breakup. Why? Because I was a jerk. No, but really… it was selfish.
Her behavior is selfish because I am fairly sure that she is aware of your feelings.
However, on the off chance that she is not, it is your job to communicate what you are feeling. Tell her what you told me in your email — that what you want is more than friendship. And get honest with yourself about that, too. You don’t really want to be friends with her, at least not now. You’re not over her.
You are also sitting in these murky boundaries because there is probably a part of you that doesn’t want to ask the question — what are we doing here?
Because it might make those moments of tenderness disappear. But, you need to take that chance.
So why is she acting this way? Probably for some of the same reasons you have, there’s comfort and security in holding on to the love you had. But, that doesn’t mean she wants to get back together. It might, but you deserve clarity.
As you said, “I know I want to share my future with her but not as only friends.” Tell her. Even if you don’t get the result you want, you are far better off knowing the truth and being able to move on if necessary.
The information within Ask Erin should in no way be interpreted as medical advice because I’m not a medical professional. But I am here to help — to share with you the wisdom I’ve gained after years of making mistakes. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendships, depression, parenting, sex, consent, what I’m watching, what I’m listening to, Bustamite, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. As always, your anonymity is golden. Lastly, I’m so excited to share with you my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide, free when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. xoxo
